i never knew it will be so painful. seeing the messages pictures and hearing the stories.
was it because of too much freedom? i wanted to forgive if you admitted earlier.
i gave in all, everything. yet u planned so well, i was kept in the dark.
six years and two months later i realised the partner whom we bought a house talked about our future, he belongs to someone else too. it.hurts soooo much never felt.this pain ever before.
you were my soul mate , my best friend, my love.. but shared with a divorced person older than me..
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Love
Love could be set in motion quickly, but true love needed time to grow into something strong and enduring. Love was,above all,about commitment and dedication and a belief that spending years with a certain person would create something greater than the sum of what the two could accomplish separately. Only time, however, could show whether you'd been accurate in your judgment. - True Believer, Nicholas Sparks
Friday, August 19, 2011
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Friday, May 27, 2011
Saturday, May 14, 2011
What's next?
G: ...I am just here unchanged. I wanna give you time. That's all. I have not change any perspective. Believe this. Because u gave me opportunity. And I want to give u n p also.... I don't want u ot me to be baggages by biological or time factor but the real reason to have a clear mind on your end before taking a leap of faith..you should not live ur day being doubtful.. But sure and be assure of your every move and decision.. Only time will help you.. And guide you..
Perhaps he is right, only time will help and guide me
Baby steps, slowly but surely I will find the answer within...
Pa, tell me I am right
G: ...I am just here unchanged. I wanna give you time. That's all. I have not change any perspective. Believe this. Because u gave me opportunity. And I want to give u n p also.... I don't want u ot me to be baggages by biological or time factor but the real reason to have a clear mind on your end before taking a leap of faith..you should not live ur day being doubtful.. But sure and be assure of your every move and decision.. Only time will help you.. And guide you..
Perhaps he is right, only time will help and guide me
Baby steps, slowly but surely I will find the answer within...
Pa, tell me I am right
Monday, May 9, 2011
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Loved
After almost four years being together, we broke off. It was a huge decision made. We did it gracefully, tears were shed but we managed it well. People started asking what happened and I was repeating the story all over again. Mummy still wanted us to be together, but I know it may not happen.
There were beautiful memories, also those that can be used as learning examples. We loved and the love ended on my part. I still call and ask him for advices, but it feels totally different as before.
No longer walk on the street with someone holding my hand while crossing the road or down the stairs to ensure of my safety. I am all alone now. The future is filled with uncertainty, this is a risk I chose. I made a mistake I admit, for giving my heart to someone else.
There was marriage plans and in the midst of applying for flats, I was scared when they happened. No longer looking forward but took a step back. I questioned if I am ready and if Paul was the one? He took great care of me these few years, always trying to make me smile and happy. In all relationship, there will be problems for sure. The problems may be small in this case, but i care.
I need to share these reasons, perhaps a few years later when I look back, I will know if I made the right choice.
I care about being introduced to his social life, his friends and family. I never met his friends, only 2 I knew. 1 was Vincent who got us together, the other is his bestie. I remembered one night he was hosptailsed, I did not hear from him. I was worried, nor I know his family. Last year we met his friends for the first time, after a 3 years wait. I was very excited. It was for a wedding. Yet during the session, I was left alone. He mingled with his friends. I felt strange.
I am typing on the iPad now, a gift from him this valentine's. He showered me with expensive electronic goods, from the best camera then, 1st generation itouch, ds, handphone. I thanked his for his generousity, they don't come cheap. He had his reasons for buying me these presents, they are practical in my daily use. I am touched, but I am unhappy. The best present I received will be Teddy and fatty, and the pair of chanel earrings. They are inexpensive as compared to the high tech goods.
Paul is a good guy, one that is rare in today's society, he loves me and my family. But he is too quiet. Often when we are out, I am frastruated, why can't he ask the question, why is he so shy? He loves me quietly, supporting my job in the background. I appreciated it, but I longed for a voice to encourage me and give me the strength to move forward.
For this choice that I made, may not have an outcome. It is a risk that I am taking, giving up everything for something new. The clock starts ticking again, from 0... I don't have many 4 years to go through.. I secretly hope it will work out. Feelings are vague, they can't be explained. I feel good when with G, he is decisive and it has been something I always wanted. People who heard of G have been feeding me with negative comments, I listened to them but stick to my decision. I have been asking a few times if he is good.
All I want now is to ride through the process slowly, getting to know someone from scratch.. There will be other challenges to come, I hope I am ready for them. As they unveil, I am in love all over again....
There were beautiful memories, also those that can be used as learning examples. We loved and the love ended on my part. I still call and ask him for advices, but it feels totally different as before.
No longer walk on the street with someone holding my hand while crossing the road or down the stairs to ensure of my safety. I am all alone now. The future is filled with uncertainty, this is a risk I chose. I made a mistake I admit, for giving my heart to someone else.
There was marriage plans and in the midst of applying for flats, I was scared when they happened. No longer looking forward but took a step back. I questioned if I am ready and if Paul was the one? He took great care of me these few years, always trying to make me smile and happy. In all relationship, there will be problems for sure. The problems may be small in this case, but i care.
I need to share these reasons, perhaps a few years later when I look back, I will know if I made the right choice.
I care about being introduced to his social life, his friends and family. I never met his friends, only 2 I knew. 1 was Vincent who got us together, the other is his bestie. I remembered one night he was hosptailsed, I did not hear from him. I was worried, nor I know his family. Last year we met his friends for the first time, after a 3 years wait. I was very excited. It was for a wedding. Yet during the session, I was left alone. He mingled with his friends. I felt strange.
I am typing on the iPad now, a gift from him this valentine's. He showered me with expensive electronic goods, from the best camera then, 1st generation itouch, ds, handphone. I thanked his for his generousity, they don't come cheap. He had his reasons for buying me these presents, they are practical in my daily use. I am touched, but I am unhappy. The best present I received will be Teddy and fatty, and the pair of chanel earrings. They are inexpensive as compared to the high tech goods.
Paul is a good guy, one that is rare in today's society, he loves me and my family. But he is too quiet. Often when we are out, I am frastruated, why can't he ask the question, why is he so shy? He loves me quietly, supporting my job in the background. I appreciated it, but I longed for a voice to encourage me and give me the strength to move forward.
For this choice that I made, may not have an outcome. It is a risk that I am taking, giving up everything for something new. The clock starts ticking again, from 0... I don't have many 4 years to go through.. I secretly hope it will work out. Feelings are vague, they can't be explained. I feel good when with G, he is decisive and it has been something I always wanted. People who heard of G have been feeding me with negative comments, I listened to them but stick to my decision. I have been asking a few times if he is good.
All I want now is to ride through the process slowly, getting to know someone from scratch.. There will be other challenges to come, I hope I am ready for them. As they unveil, I am in love all over again....
Friday, April 15, 2011
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Sunday, September 26, 2010
I love to own a Work for 2011 :)
the other day i walked into the jewellery store with Mum and got a pair of blings.. noti me.. and ordered a bag from coach.. no more shopping till 2011.
got a little pay increment some days ago.. shocked when xiao hei gave me the letter and i stared at it for 1minute? He said, "You are now an Assistant Manager." I replied, "Ok..." OH.. and I joined for only 4 mths? haa.. lucky me.
Pa, If you could see me now, you would be proud...
Thursday, July 29, 2010
everyone is asking me if i'm ok.. suddenly i wonder if i'm really ok now.. i am so tired. mum is asking me to handle everything, rushing me to do this and do that. i am breaking down.
i'm taking time to be with my mum every single minute i have to spare. taking her out, taking her to work, taking her to eat, sleeping with her, while i sleep on the floor.
i am tired.
:(
no one understands / papa i missed you
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Monday, June 28, 2010
Don't take away him from me please. There's so much more yet to be done.
I am trying my very best to make your little wishes come try one by one. Hang in there pa.
We finally went to the studio and took a family photo of 3 and of 4 with paul. Pa was in pain but he was very happy and did not grumble when the photographer requested for various position. I'm proud of you pa. The photos would be ready in 10 days. I hope they turn out great.
Happy Father's Day
I hope you liked this arrangment. I could see your smiles throughout the night.
I'm happy that you are happy, that's all I asked for now.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
i'm tired
i deferred cfa till june 2011 as i really have no time and energy to study for it. the board kindly accepted my request as I shared the main reason with them.
if they are less stubborn and worrying, i would not have to rush around adminstering everything. if they are cooperative, i would not have to worry so much.
i am worried and stressful enough, stop giving trouble and adding more unnecessary matters for me to be taken care off.
no doubt the bosses are supportive in my unreasonable arrangement of taking so many leave in a month and soon I would have negative leaves before I complete my probation of 6 months. time and resources are wasted.
with uncaring member, I have to include more expenses and find help to manage each treatment session. there's no one to help me, no one who is able to help out. no one. no one!
no point having a figure head being there but no knowing what to do, what to ask, how to handle the suitation, how to take care of him when he requires some attention.
With such complications and a daily reporting to do to taiwan, on top of my new job, I am exhausted.
LEAVE ME ALONE of UNNECESSARY TROUBLE!
i deferred cfa till june 2011 as i really have no time and energy to study for it. the board kindly accepted my request as I shared the main reason with them.
if they are less stubborn and worrying, i would not have to rush around adminstering everything. if they are cooperative, i would not have to worry so much.
i am worried and stressful enough, stop giving trouble and adding more unnecessary matters for me to be taken care off.
no doubt the bosses are supportive in my unreasonable arrangement of taking so many leave in a month and soon I would have negative leaves before I complete my probation of 6 months. time and resources are wasted.
with uncaring member, I have to include more expenses and find help to manage each treatment session. there's no one to help me, no one who is able to help out. no one. no one!
no point having a figure head being there but no knowing what to do, what to ask, how to handle the suitation, how to take care of him when he requires some attention.
With such complications and a daily reporting to do to taiwan, on top of my new job, I am exhausted.
LEAVE ME ALONE of UNNECESSARY TROUBLE!
Monday, May 17, 2010
will a miracle happen?
i'm giving up. it's so difficult. pleasing him, seeing him in pain. seeing him stoning at home even after i got him lots of entertainment. feeling tired hourly. eating so little. so moody.
how long will this battle be?
if it is not ending, i will let him go without suffering. less pain, more happiness.
mum is getting old, seeing her doing chores the entire day - from cooking, to washing, to serving meals etc, i felt bad. if only i have enough money to employ a part time domestic worker. she would be happier. noticed her temper has improved. she becomes calmer and friendlier.
i'm tired. my wallet is tired too. i'm immune to just paying non-stop to keep them happy.
i'm giving up. it's so difficult. pleasing him, seeing him in pain. seeing him stoning at home even after i got him lots of entertainment. feeling tired hourly. eating so little. so moody.
how long will this battle be?
if it is not ending, i will let him go without suffering. less pain, more happiness.
mum is getting old, seeing her doing chores the entire day - from cooking, to washing, to serving meals etc, i felt bad. if only i have enough money to employ a part time domestic worker. she would be happier. noticed her temper has improved. she becomes calmer and friendlier.
i'm tired. my wallet is tired too. i'm immune to just paying non-stop to keep them happy.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
pain
i am very sad. seeing the nurses and doctors withdraw so much blood from dad for test. poking needles. i felt the pain. he must be in pain.
i dare not cry in front of them. i must look strong and be able to administer all these. also got to report to kor who is so worried in taiwan. updating him regularly via email.
it will be fine...
i am very sad. seeing the nurses and doctors withdraw so much blood from dad for test. poking needles. i felt the pain. he must be in pain.
i dare not cry in front of them. i must look strong and be able to administer all these. also got to report to kor who is so worried in taiwan. updating him regularly via email.
it will be fine...
Saturday, April 24, 2010
buzz
i tendered. yet still so busy running errands for the family in order to make the parents happy. rush like mad, beg others to help, make myself sound like a bitch. and my bank account is dried after paying all the expenses. excluding ttsh medical bill. i don't wish to think about the bill at this moment.
taking one day at a time. why can't they take things slowly, rushing me like mad. i can't really breathe. kan cheong stupid.
it was his birthday and i decided to get him a present, a micro-hifi. something he wants.
i tendered. yet still so busy running errands for the family in order to make the parents happy. rush like mad, beg others to help, make myself sound like a bitch. and my bank account is dried after paying all the expenses. excluding ttsh medical bill. i don't wish to think about the bill at this moment.
taking one day at a time. why can't they take things slowly, rushing me like mad. i can't really breathe. kan cheong stupid.
it was his birthday and i decided to get him a present, a micro-hifi. something he wants.
**************************
10May2010
i tot it would be good to document down everything as a diary.. it has spread.. spread to the liver, more areas in the bone and cells in lung have enlarged.. the chemo is not reacting to his condition. he vommitted today, for the first time since it was discovered. we sent him in, again after a lot persuasion.
i did not share the news with mum regarding the spread. we kept it to ourselves. doc says less than a year left. he mentioned since the beginning it was to control and not for cure.
i have only one regret. we have not taken the graduation photo. i felt so bad for being so stubborn. for delaying and dragging. but i finally did sth, mon i brought both of them to make spects at bishan. dad looked happy with the new spects and mum spent so much time choosing something that she liked. they will be ready in a week. at least i did sth.
we mus take a graduation photo. i promise. i will do it.
ps: it will be fine
Monday, April 19, 2010
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