Loved

After almost four years being together, we broke off. It was a huge decision made. We did it gracefully, tears were shed but we managed it well. People started asking what happened and I was repeating the story all over again. Mummy still wanted us to be together, but I know it may not happen.

There were beautiful memories, also those that can be used as learning examples. We loved and the love ended on my part. I still call and ask him for advices, but it feels totally different as before.

No longer walk on the street with someone holding my hand while crossing the road or down the stairs to ensure of my safety. I am all alone now. The future is filled with uncertainty, this is a risk I chose. I made a mistake I admit, for giving my heart to someone else.

There was marriage plans and in the midst of applying for flats, I was scared when they happened. No longer looking forward but took a step back. I questioned if I am ready and if Paul was the one? He took great care of me these few years, always trying to make me smile and happy. In all relationship, there will be problems for sure. The problems may be small in this case, but i care.

I need to share these reasons, perhaps a few years later when I look back, I will know if I made the right choice.

I care about being introduced to his social life, his friends and family. I never met his friends, only 2 I knew. 1 was Vincent who got us together, the other is his bestie. I remembered one night he was hosptailsed, I did not hear from him. I was worried, nor I know his family. Last year we met his friends for the first time, after a 3 years wait. I was very excited. It was for a wedding. Yet during the session, I was left alone. He mingled with his friends. I felt strange.

I am typing on the iPad now, a gift from him this valentine's. He showered me with expensive electronic goods, from the best camera then, 1st generation itouch, ds, handphone. I thanked his for his generousity, they don't come cheap. He had his reasons for buying me these presents, they are practical in my daily use. I am touched, but I am unhappy. The best present I received will be Teddy and fatty, and the pair of chanel earrings. They are inexpensive as compared to the high tech goods.

Paul is a good guy, one that is rare in today's society, he loves me and my family. But he is too quiet. Often when we are out, I am frastruated, why can't he ask the question, why is he so shy? He loves me quietly, supporting my job in the background. I appreciated it, but I longed for a voice to encourage me and give me the strength to move forward.

For this choice that I made, may not have an outcome. It is a risk that I am taking, giving up everything for something new. The clock starts ticking again, from 0... I don't have many 4 years to go through.. I secretly hope it will work out. Feelings are vague, they can't be explained. I feel good when with G, he is decisive and it has been something I always wanted. People who heard of G have been feeding me with negative comments, I listened to them but stick to my decision. I have been asking a few times if he is good.

All I want now is to ride through the process slowly, getting to know someone from scratch.. There will be other challenges to come, I hope I am ready for them. As they unveil, I am in love all over again....