who am i?

15 oct 2008, wed
11.27pm

dear diary,

i am emo-ing now.. yes i am crying now.. my leg hurts now.. he feels totally different now.. i feel so distant.. he used to ask abt me, but when he asked abt me today, i replied, he did not continue the message, it was left hanging there.. what went wrong? he was unwell.. i was so worried, yet i feel helpless when i can't visit him cos he doesn't allow me to go to his house, i do not have any idea how is he, bcos i couldn't contact him and knew no one in his house. we have been together for 15 months.. yet i am an alien in his family.. i'm not his friend but i am his girlfriend yet i do not know many things about him.. how secure is this relationship? i am totally insecure..

i called up a few hospitals to check where he was that night, i called his best-est of friend to ask for number, i called his home and when his dad asked who am i, i said it's ok, good bye.

my leg hurts, my head spinning, running high fever, yet i am so worried about him but i couldn't contact him, couldn't visit him, couldn't say anything, all i did was to wait... and when i finally got him, my heart broke..

dear diary, who am i? i am lost... stop crying, i tell myself and do my work, but tears couldn't stop flowing for the past 3 days..

i wanted to rush to get tonics for him today, so that i could deliver it to him tml.. but my leg hurts while i went to the supermarket to get some food, i knew i need to visit the doc again and daddy was too tired after work and couldn't send me to get the tonics..

when i fell, everyone laughed at me, who understand the pain and suffering i went thru... the clinic is so far, yet i had to beg my dad to send me there, saying all the nasty things.. it was so pain when the sin seh rub my leg, crack it, bend it, apply this and that and poked needle.. even he laughed at me.. it hurts.. i am already trying so hard to walk carefully when i'm out on the street so that i do not fall down again.. when the sin seh asked if i wanna poked needle so that i can recover better, i still yes because I WISH TO GET WELL TOO!.. and i endured the pain of the needle with the electricity going thru the injured area for at least 15 minutes...

tml.. i'm going to the sin seh again, this time i am going all by myself.. i can do it, i don't see why the once do-it-all-by-herself-sabby is gone, i shall return and be the same girl again..

dear diary, i am sobbing as i typed this..i promised that i will not cry again tml..


sab...